Desiinvidesh's Blog

Now I am back again and reflecting at beautiful time spent together, where you were my mother, my child, my friend, my ally and my counselor at different times all packaged neatly in your tiny frame. I got to see your beautiful vulnerable heart that is so strong and so accommodating, so sacrificing and so generous, so full of doubts yet hopeful.

It is true they say that life is in moments, moments spent with people who understand you, love you unconditionally despite all your faults and misgivings. I found that love with you. And it did not stop there, I found support, I found courage, I found fun and I found mischief and I found intelligence and humility and spark of life. Know that there has not been single moment of pretense while I was with you, with you it seemed like I found myself that was long lost. But holding on to it will need efforts and I am going to make efforts in that direction.

If you have any belief in what I say, know that you are smart and intelligent and intuitive, you have wonderful quality of speaking your mind in gentlest way and knowing when not to speak and when to hold. You are sensitive, tender and compassionate and see the same in others despite their various exteriors. Don’t ever change yourself, don’t compare yourself with others, don’t underestimate yourself and above all, hold onto your true self.

And remember asking for help is not sign of weakness, it is sign of strength, it is sign of your belief in someone’s capacity to help you, it is sign of your love to extend this opportunity or gift to your loved ones. So don’t beat yourself, share your struggles and be open about what you are going through. We all can do so much more than what we can do alone.

My lil sister, you are truly unique and there is a lot that I can learn from you. Hope that our first trip is just the start of many many more in future where we get to see the many amazing things, share love and acceptance and have wonderful time and make tonnes of beautiful memories. Love you lots.

 

 I work as Project Management Specialist for an Oil & Gas company. This is what gives me money to pay my bills. The idea for most people who  work like me and make decent money is  that either you make your work , work life or after work life  so interesting that it keeps you going.

As far as work is concerned,  I think making your work interesting is not in hands of majority of people. You do get stuck into the path you had chosen a  few years ago. The work is no longer interesting but it gives good money and you don’ t want to compromise on that front. So you continue doing what you do best not necessarily enjoying . Some small percentage of people are lucky who do enjoy what gives them  their livelihood. I would just leave it at – that they are lucky and I am not so. Frankly I don’t even know what I would enjoy in terms of my profession.

So there is second breed for whom the work is not interesting but work life is. What I mean by work life is that you have a good friends network at your workplace. You are going for lunch or coffee with them. Sharing office politics and generally having good time.

And last breed is where your work and work life sucks but your personal life make it bearable. You have a comfortable relationship with your family. You get all your fun , support and happiness from them and the whole work hours are bearable because at the end you get to go home and enjoy.

Have you analysed which category do you fall into. For me I don’t fall into any. My work, work life and after work life all suck.  Having my son in my life is what gives me energy to go to work and come back home. I live my life through his activities and schedule. In between I throw in some movies or get together with friends .But there is this deep dissatisfaction that stems from not having any other meaningful, solid relationship except with my son. 

I am wondering if  there are  people who were/are in similar situation. Any suggestions to make my life more meaningful and interesting.

May be this is phase and it will pass too and I pray to god everyday that it does.

I started this blog in August last year and so much has happened since then. I did not update this blog not because I did not have anything to say but that I had so much conflicting thoughts in my mind and I thought I would like to have clarity instead of  laying  my life in all confused maze like form. I read so many blogs mostly of indian women and have found that they do encounter instability or confusion over some matters while some other matters are very straight forward to them. I however have dealt my last  several years of existence with so much of an identity crisis. I undestand what people lay out of their blogs is not complete representation of their lives  and it is what they wish to share with the world .

I have returned to blogsphere now not because there has been any profound changes in my life. On the contary , the issues have jumbled up even more. And sad realization that the kind of clarity I am trying to find will always remain elusive and that I have to find a way to live my life one day at a time and that  I have to become self reliant and accept that sometimes accepting your fate is the best thing you can do than fighting it all the time.It is emotionally exhausting and not worth at all.

In the end I will quote something that I read somewhere and has struck with me ever since.

“Everything is OK in the end and if it is not OK, it is not the end.”

This quote gives me hope and I am so looking forward to “OK” whatever that is.

Have you ever felt that empty feeling when you get birthday wishes from your friends on facebook but your own husband simply forgets it. I know he does not believe in celebrating birthdays. I am not expecting any celebration but a simple wishing would have done the job. But as  we all know, remembering is the first step before wishing and it hurts that he does not remember.

It is not a big thing and this is not the first time he has forgotten but I haven’t gotten used to it. I am not sad but getting that wish from my husband would have made me happy.

On a positive note, we have joined YMCA adult swimming classes yesterday as a couple and hope this time we give our best and learn it. We have tried learning before but did not succeed.

So I am another year old today but wine gets better with time. Isn’t it.

Love

B

Edited to add: Wow Wow Wow……. When I reached home this evening. There was a big surprise waiting for me. A nice cake with a candle. My husbad said that he had to change candle three times as I was late in reaching home. My son played “Happy Birthday” tune on his guitar. He has started learning recently and apparently has been practicing all afternoon to play it for me in the evening. I got a nice “Guess” watch as a gift. All in all  Fentabulous ,Awsome , Wonderful.

B

Hello world,

I have thinking about starting a blog for sometime now. This will be sort of my online journal to jot down anything and everything that I fancy.


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